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Gay and Thank You

by Kascha

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1.
Puppy Dogs 02:03
lately this weather's been dragging me down but i can see thru the clouds again and i feel crazy whether i'm up or down but it's better than just feeling dead and you came with me to scramble over rocks and thru trees to finally get some peace from this cascade of shit news that pours on us mercilessly?????!!!!! and i'd follow you there again today we'd hold on to it we'd never change coffee and puppy dogs these solutions only last so long i walked thru my hometown and felt myself crawl out of my skin if you could see the way i hide when you're not around i'll be lost in some self absorbed worry, surely and i'd follow you there again today we'd hold on to it we'd never change but the sadness gets old you're packing your clothes lost your grip on it things will always change
2.
seems like the longer that i wait the more that you fade into an empty corner of my brain feels like this could be the perfect way for you to fuck up my day never knew exactly what to say and i could only ever do you wrong each night i try to find the perfect spot to nestle in all of my thoughts that tell me i don't belong in any way on a good day in a place where i feel worth something i'm not used to talking about things the way that you and i do i'm not trying to waste your time think i haven't learned at all
3.
Sunrise 01:52
your memory enters my head like a flood and it will take full control of me and everything it will touch these floodgates open so very often sleep deprived with the blue tint of 5 AM skies creeping through the blinds could i find you out there? is there a part of you i could see in the sunrise i'd let my eyes burn
4.
Sunset 03:29
don't you believe if there wasn't anything else you could do, the guilt wouldn't burn thru you? sent half conscious texts and i laid in the grass, was mostly you that i thought about, and that's fine with me i guess you know, they see it when you struggle to breathe and i won't see you, in the morning or the next day your mattress rots to your body conforming to the expectations they set on the person they thought you were it doesn't matter anymore and don't you believe underneath the self loathing even when you withdrew, there are those who love you? so i'll lay there again eating cheap ice cream i'll let the sun burn my skin i'll let myself day dream you know, they see it when you struggle to breathe wasting all of your energy on empty apologies sun's almost set and it feels like everything's burning and you wish you had it in yourself to be the kind of person to stand the fuck up for yourself
5.
All the Time 02:59
something about the way the sun hits the trees just wakes it up in me and after i run, my ears always ring i wanna hear it sung deep in me that there's no reason to survive just do what makes you feel alive, try to feel alive i spend most days wondering if i'm even a natural living thing but then again, i'm pretty good at laying in my bed, not responding to my texts so is it weird if i say just seeing you makes me feel good? and i wanna feel that way all the time there's nothing i could say to you to make it understood that i wanna share that night with you just mundane and shitty food i won't let this winter rip thru me something about the way the ceiling stares back at me something about the way i can tell you never quite hear me i wanna feel that way all the time
6.
Hollow 03:29
sleep tight, i can never say it right six in the morning resigned to phone light and all of my dreams are of drinking and dying or leaving or maybe all three if i'm lucky there's nothing to keep me from the drawer, from the chore of tearing myself down and amid the crying i drop to the floor getting bored of coughing my lungs out every night try my best to move on but i see your pictures it's all my fault, i know try my best not to fall apart but i didn't deserve it from the very start, you know that i'm hollow
7.
This Summer 02:30
you and i stayed inside all day the concrete's too hot for your paws and i prefer walking at night, anyway and i'm not trying to stay the same i just keep ending up in all the same exact places and it was hotter, this summer than it had ever been i wait for november and try to catch up to them and leave all my regrets right where i found them and i don't mind spending some time alone but i always seem to find myself stumbling in the road and i know you're not paying attention when you're on your phone i just act like i didn't know! and it was hotter, this summer than it had ever been i wait for november and try to catch up to them and leave all my regrets right where i found them and i know you're not listening, but it was harder, this summer
8.
Right 01:40
make it count, i'm feeling drained now can't hear you, without that echoing too maybe i'm fine with the kind of life it takes to spend time with you i'm not gonna make this right not gonna make it thru the night one word replies, it's not that hard to hide makes me sick, but i'll get over it i'm not gonna make this right not gonna make it thru the night we'll probably be fine? tried our best, right yeah right
9.
Quiet 02:31
never mind the weather and the length of your sleeve never mind who's tethered and how long it should keep will you get tired of me? never mind the truth and all the things i can't see i'll be inside my room tearing myself piece to piece and when you find me, will you think less of me? will you get tired of me? admit it, you can't see anything don't know what to think and there's nothing, but an early sunset you can make up the rest and pretend you got any sleep, pretend you're worth something pretend you're not just waiting for the moment that it's finally quiet
10.
Untethered 03:38
it hit me last night, just like the first time that i'll never see you again and i won't take it for granted don't wanna drown it out i wanna feel at home in my skin wanna let it wash right thru me let the sun leak into the blinds and i'll watch and feign acceptance at the unpreventable passing of time and the threads were meant to come untethered over the years became weathered untangled and slipped away from each other and you you played it better than i could ever with such a careless demeanor and you knew this day would come but you never thought you'd be the one to out live and out run i'll step outside next year on any given, empty day and i'll try my very best to let you go your own way

about

first complete batch of songs i ever wrote!



for sophie

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released January 23, 2023

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Kascha Las Vegas, Nevada

little songs i made in my room in the desert!!!

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